In Space No One Can Hear You Bleh

Read Time:4 Minute, 21 Second

(A Ridiculous Story Based on a Ridiculous Concept. Hope you enjoy.)

The launch is successful. The ship breaks the atmosphere.

“We are now in a stable orb-” something thumps against the ship outside.

“What out of the world was that?”

The captain looks through the small portal and sees a corpse floating just outside. It is pale as snow with jet black hair. It seems to be wearing a black cloak with red inner lining and a ruby red brooch.

“There’s a corpse outside,” he says. Just as he speaks the eyes of the corpse open, revealing blood red eyes. The eyes lock on the captain and the mouth opens, mouthing the word “bleh” with blood red lips around large sharp fangs.

“Vampires!” The captain yells.

“I knew it!” The pilot says. “I knew they were out here!”

“There can’t be vampires! Our telescopes would have seen them!” The engineer says.

“No, you fool!” The pilot says. “Our cameras, our telescopes, even our film, all use silver! Silver is too pure t be tarnished by the reflection of these foul creatures!”

The vampire moves away from the window revealing a dozen others behind him, frog paddling through space toward their ship. Each of them has the same black hair, the same pale skin, and the same black cloak with red inner lining.

The captain rushes to the phones and lifts the receiver.

“Houston, we have a problem,” the Captain says. There is no response.

“Houston? Houston! HOUSTOOONNNNNNNN!” The captain yells.

“Dear god!” The Engineer yells. “They’ve cut the phone lines! We’re all doomed!!”

“No, we are not!” The pilot yells. “You need not fear, for I am-” the pilot rips away his tear-away astronaut uniform revealing a messy white button up shirt with the top three buttons undone, under a worn leather jacket, with faded trousers and rugged boots. He strikes a heroic pose.

“For you are-” the captain lets his words trail off into a question as he raises his row, confused.

“Oh, hold on.” The pilot steps toward the lockers and removes his sack. He fishes a battered fedora from it and returns his spot. He places the hat on his head and strikes a heroic pose.

Silence follows.

“Who are you? Where is Sandberg?” Asks the captain.

“I am… Narniana Jones.” The not-pilot says. He strikes pose.

There is silence.

“Who?” Asks the engineer.

“I’m Nar-” Mr. Jones shifts and stares at the two but he sees they are not joking. He un-poses. “Narniana Jones, the world famous archaeologist? I was on the cover of Thyme magazine? There was an article about me in Lyfe.”

“Not ringing any bells,” the captain says.

“Well, I’m not going to lie,” Mr. Jones says, “that really stings. Hold on, I have a few article clippings.”

As Narni digs through his bag a loud bang draws the crew’s attention.

“That’s the airlock. Their trying to get inside” The Engineer yells.

“How long will that take?” Narniana asks.

“Judging by the sound of their pounding I can calculate; with the thickness of the wood… carry the pi… I can give you a rough estimate of seven minutes thirty two seconds, give or take a second.”

“Good, that gives us time,” Says Mr. Jones. He pulls a small folder from his bag and passes it to the captain. He sidles up behind him and points to the first page.

“This was post in the Warshington Post about my adventure across the Sahara in a race against the Nazis to recov-“

The captain throws the folder to the side, sending papers flying everywhere.

“Gasp!” Narniana gasps.

“We don’t have time for this!” The captain yells.

“We had seven minutes!” Mr. Jones yells in return. “Plenty of time to read at least one article!”

“They’re going to break inside and kill us all!” The engineer screams.

“Put your suits on!” The captain orders.

Narniana just has his helmet sealed when the airlock gives and the first vampire swims into the ship. 

“Not today, blooder fucker,” Narniana says. He pulls out his Colt 45 and stuffs it into the vampires face. The vampire’s head explodes when the trigger is pulled.

“There are more!” The captain yells, pointing to three more vampires. The three lodge themselves in the doorway trying to squeeze through at the same time. 

“Sucks to be you,” Narniana says as he blasts another vampire.

“Fangs for the memories,” he says and pulls the trigger again.

“Have a bloody good day,” he says and dispatches the last one.

The captain, the engineer, and Narniana Jones put their combined weight against the door and force is closed, severing the groping limbs of several Vampires trying to reach through.

“Quick,” Narniana says, ” pilot us into the atmosphere, they will all burn up on re-entry!”

“Genius!” The captain exclaims.

The captain rushes to the pilots seat and turns the wheel down. The ship falls into the atmosphere and all of space is filled with the screams of the vampires as they burn.

They land in the ocean, safe and sound.

“Haha,” says Narniana Jones. “Another grand adventure.”

Little did he know, the captain was a vampire the whole time.

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